I Love You More

My senior year in high school will be starting in just a few days, and it seems like all of a sudden, there is very little in life, other than trying to plan for college and summer reading. 

The pre-college process is stressful.  I am currently looking at a short list of colleges, all of which are Christian colleges, and there are so many different details and options that have to be weighed when trying to choose the one that I want to go to.  Of course, if you know me, or if you are familiar with this blog, you'll see that I have a constant desire to know the future, to have life planned.  I have this deep urge to be able to plan everything in my life, and right now, not knowing where I'll be living or going to school in a year is quite daunting.  I haven't even visited all of the schools that I'm considering yet, but already I feel like I should have a college picked out. 

I'm so worried that I'll make the wrong choice.  What if my favorite school ends up being the most expensive?  What if I can't tell which school God wants me to be at?  Even worse, what if it really doesn't matter to God which school I go to, so long as I'm still following Him?  And how am I supposed to find extra time to pray about this process with school starting in just a few days, with my most challenging schedule yet?

And then, once I've figured out where I'll go to college, how do I figure out what I'm going to do there?  How am I going to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life?  What if I do what I love, but then I can't get a job?  What if I do what will lead to a lucrative career, but end up hating it?  How do I make all of these decisions before I'm even a legal adult?

On Wednesday, after I had just gotten home from a college visit, and feeling the pressure to know where I'll be in a year, I turned on the radio in the car, and this song came on.  There was an initial peace that fell over me when the song began, and the first verse said "I am with you wherever, and where you go is where I am."  The chorus was another part that really spoke to me.  "I love you more than the sun, and the stars that I taught how to shine, you are mine, and you shine for me too, I love you.  Yesterday, and today, and tomorrow I'll say it again, and again, I love you more."  It was like God telling me to calm down.  If He can set the stars and the sun to shine each day and night, He will surely guide me through this process.  He will guide me to the right decision, whether or not it matters to Him exactly which college I'm learning to use the gifts that He gave me to use in order to shine for Him.  He will also guide me towards finding what exactly it is that He wants me to shine with.  He loves me no matter what, and I am His.

Fighting for Control

Jesus and I are wrestling for control of the steering wheel that is the directional for the car of my life.  It would seem as though I am winning, until I swerve into the left lane and oncoming traffic, but Jesus pulls car back into the right lane at the last moment.  This happens multiple times, until I finally get savvy to what He is doing, and begin to fight back again, even as He is saving my life.  One more close call, and I am fed up with His intervening in my driving, and jab His hands from the wheel with my elbow.  In that moment, though, I swerve the car in the opposite direction, and into a tree.  There is a sickening twist of metal, and the taste of iron in the back of my throat.  My body should be colliding with the tree with a sharp smack and cracking of bones, but something stops me, something protects me.  It is Jesus, throwing His own body over mine, to keep me from hurtling forward, as I should.  He, instead of I, takes the full force of the impact, and just like that, it is Jesus taking my place in the grave.

And given the opportunity, He would do it all over again.

Arms Wide Open

On one of the retreats that I went on this year with my church, the speaker passed out index cards to each of us, and asked us to write what we believe that God thinks when He thinks about us, and after the session, we went into our small groups.  While in our small groups, we were asked to share, if we were comfortable, what we had written on our index cards.  As we went around in our circle, reading out sentences out loud, my heart nearly broke at each of the negative beliefs.

It can be impossible to truly understand how deep God's love for us is.  He loves us no matter what.  No matter what we've done, no matter who we've been.  God loves us.  No.  Matter.  What.  God wants us no matter how broken we are, no matter how unworthy we feel.  He loved us when He created us, and so many years later, when sin had entered the world, He loved us enough to send His son to die on the cross in our place, and nothing, absolutely nothing, can change that.

Consider the story of the Prodigal Son, found in Luke 15:11-32.  The younger son takes his inheritance and leaves his father's house to go and squander the money, and years later he returns to his father's house, and the father immediately forgives him.  I think what is really amazing is found in verse 20:

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
 

Not only was the father able to accept his son back into his house, not only is he waiting outside for the son to arrive home, but he runs forward to meet his son and embrace him.  We are like the son, and God is the Father.  God isn't just waiting for us to come back to Him, He runs toward us with arms open wide the minute that we come into view. 

It doesn't matter how far away we were, it doesn't matter what we did while we were gone.  All that matters is that we've come back home, and God loves us no less than He did before we left.  He's waiting with open arms for us to return.

Jesus Loves Me

Sometimes being a Christian is hard.  Sometimes it can seem like there just isn't time for it, sometimes God can feel distant, sometimes we don't understand how things in this world can happen if God exists.  Sometimes we just don't get it.

And that is okay.

Some days, we are not meant to me the hard core Christians who have it all together.  Some days, the only thing that we can and have to cling to is the fact that Jesus loves us.  When we can't keep it all together, when we just feel like falling apart, we need to focus in on one thing that will always be true and will never change, Jesus's love for us.

Nobody is perfect, no matter how much we try to be.  But the good news is that Jesus took care of all of that for us.  He is there with open arms even when we're at our worst, and sometimes, we don't need to go any further than that.

Mark 10:13-16 say "And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them."

Children don't worry about the things that adults begin to worry about as they grow older.  Children accept ideas without question, a feat that can sometimes be all but impossible for an adult.  Children don't usually have a difficult time questioning God's love for them, and that is somethings special.

Jesus loves us, and that is forever true.