I Love You More

My senior year in high school will be starting in just a few days, and it seems like all of a sudden, there is very little in life, other than trying to plan for college and summer reading. 

The pre-college process is stressful.  I am currently looking at a short list of colleges, all of which are Christian colleges, and there are so many different details and options that have to be weighed when trying to choose the one that I want to go to.  Of course, if you know me, or if you are familiar with this blog, you'll see that I have a constant desire to know the future, to have life planned.  I have this deep urge to be able to plan everything in my life, and right now, not knowing where I'll be living or going to school in a year is quite daunting.  I haven't even visited all of the schools that I'm considering yet, but already I feel like I should have a college picked out. 

I'm so worried that I'll make the wrong choice.  What if my favorite school ends up being the most expensive?  What if I can't tell which school God wants me to be at?  Even worse, what if it really doesn't matter to God which school I go to, so long as I'm still following Him?  And how am I supposed to find extra time to pray about this process with school starting in just a few days, with my most challenging schedule yet?

And then, once I've figured out where I'll go to college, how do I figure out what I'm going to do there?  How am I going to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life?  What if I do what I love, but then I can't get a job?  What if I do what will lead to a lucrative career, but end up hating it?  How do I make all of these decisions before I'm even a legal adult?

On Wednesday, after I had just gotten home from a college visit, and feeling the pressure to know where I'll be in a year, I turned on the radio in the car, and this song came on.  There was an initial peace that fell over me when the song began, and the first verse said "I am with you wherever, and where you go is where I am."  The chorus was another part that really spoke to me.  "I love you more than the sun, and the stars that I taught how to shine, you are mine, and you shine for me too, I love you.  Yesterday, and today, and tomorrow I'll say it again, and again, I love you more."  It was like God telling me to calm down.  If He can set the stars and the sun to shine each day and night, He will surely guide me through this process.  He will guide me to the right decision, whether or not it matters to Him exactly which college I'm learning to use the gifts that He gave me to use in order to shine for Him.  He will also guide me towards finding what exactly it is that He wants me to shine with.  He loves me no matter what, and I am His.

Our Amazing God: The Screenplays of Our Lives

This isn't how you planned it, is it? Because this surely isn't how I planned it.

That screenplay that I wrote just isn't turning out how it was supposed to. Yeah, that test grade was supposed to be an A. And my alarm should have woken me up on time. Oh, don't forget that my social life should be perfect, my friends shouldn't stir up drama, and I shouldn't have to be choosing between the lesser of two evils. My life wasn't supposed to be this complicated!

Don't we all find ourselves screaming at God sometimes, whether it be in confusion, or anger, or whatever, about how our lives should have been different. That they should have turned out exactly as we wanted, not this confusing thing filled with rights and wrongs and futures and pasts? School, work, church, everything should be a breeze, right? Everything should be as it is in the script of our minds.

Well, as I'm learning, that just isn't how the Lord works. God always has something bigger in mind than what we can even imagine. He is always answering our prayers, just maybe not in the way we thought He would. Maybe it is a "yes", maybe it's a "not yet", or maybe it's an "I have something better planned". The question is, are we willing to accept how God answers us?

If we don't accept anything but a "yes" to our prayers, of course it's going to seem like God hasn't heard our prayers. I know that I have this picture perfect movie life planned for myself, and as much as I yearn for my life to turn out like this, I can almost guarantee that I will not have the life that plays in my head. God is going to throw things in my path that I'm not expecting, and if I'm willing, He's going to use each and everything that He places in my life for a purpose. That goes for each and every person placed in this beautiful world.

God's plan for our lives isn't the same plan that we have for our own lives, but His is most definitely the best plan to follow.

The Devil Can't Hurt Me

There are some days when I just want to give up hope. I just want to quit, because no matter how hard I try, it seems like I'm not good enough. And it becomes difficult to remember why I still have hope at all.

So I ask God, and that alone helps. Knowing that whatever happens, God is always listening, always caring, always loving. It helps so much more than I would've ever guessed a single thing could.

One specific night, I remember crying so badly, and I just didn't know what was happening. There was only so much I could do. I whispered to myself "God has a plan for you, God loves you" over and over again. Then that devil creeped up on my again, and screamed to my brain "There is no plan for you, you aren't important at all". I told him he was wrong. I'm here for a purpose, and I know it's true, even when it's hard to see, even when I am so lost and have no idea what step is next.

The song "Concrete Angel" then began to play on my Pandora account, and I saw why God wants me. God put me on this earth for a reason, He put us all on this earth for a reason. I have so many blessings, and I know that I could help people so much if I really tried. Maybe that's not God's entire plan for me, I don't know what He has in mind for my life, but I know that that's part of it. As long as there's still suffering in the world, I still have a purpose for being here.

The devil can't hurt me with the things that he says to me when I choose to listen to the one and only true God.