What I've Learned Beyond the Classroom

As I sit here in front of my computer on the eve of my high school graduation I'm not quite sure what to say.  How do you sum up eighteen years of life, or twelve years of schooling, or even just three years in high school in a blog post?  

High school was...an adventure full of highs and lows, exciting times and disappointing ones, days complete with life lessons and days totally void of purpose.  There are two lessons, I suppose I'll call them that, that I kept coming back to since tenth grade.  The first one relates directly to God, and the second isn't as direct.

I'll start with the more direct one, I suppose.  In middle school I felt so close to God, I had days that I could almost hear Him in conversation with me.  In high school, though, life began to fill with so much more than in earlier years, and I could feel God beginning to get pushed into the periphery of my life, but even when I put everything else aside and focused on God things still felt...different.  Very rarely did I feel that closeness that I used to feel in middle school, and there were moments that I began to doubt God's presence in my life.

Only recently did I truly begin to understand why this was happening.  As we progress through the stages of life, God progresses with us.  While He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, we are not, and because of that God reaches us in different ways.  Middle school was a time full of developing out of childhood, finding out where I fit in, and discovering who I was going to be.  It was awkward, and, at times, it was difficult to navigate, and I needed God to be, well, extremely loud and incredibly close.  While personal development continues throughout life, and certainly in high school, it's a much different experience, and we are beginning to prepare for the rest of life, gaining much more independence than in years prior.  

My faith through high school was about just that, having faith.  It was as if God was saying "Okay, we got through these three years just fine, but now you need to trust me when I tell you that I will always be near just a little bit more."  

Perhaps I can create an analogy to a story that my mom told me when we were going through photographs from my younger years.  There was a picture of me in a row boat in the lake at my grandparents' mountain home, attached to shore by a long rope.  Thinking back on that vacation I didn't remember being attached to shore, I remembered rowing independently on the lake, and I giggled, thinking that I was attached to this rope and didn't even know it.  My mom, however, told me that I had desperately wanted that rope attaching me to the shore (not that she would have let me go out unattached, anyway), that I needed to know that that rope was there reigning me in.  Middle school was like my mom's (true) version.  God was obviously there, and I was comforted by knowing without a doubt that He was with me.  High school was more like my (false) thoughts.  I didn't realize that I was attached to shore all along, but I trusted that my mom would make sure nothing bad would happen to me.  I could have gotten too far away, though, to a point where I felt like she wouldn't be able to reach me if she needed to, but all along I was attached to where she was.  I have to trust in God that He is always here, and recognize even in the times that I am unsure I am still anchored to the everlasting Lord.

The second lesson from high school is about priorities.  Tomorrow when I am beginning to tear up during Graduation it will not be because I will miss the structure of high school, or because I will miss the subjects (if I really wanted to I could take similar classes at Grove City).  I will be crying because it is a goodbye of sorts with the people who I've grown to hold so dearly.  The people in life are the important part.  God sent us here to interact and love one another, and to develop a relationship with His Son.  That is our first purpose in life, not mastering rotations and torque in Physics class (though that could be a means to fulfilling our first purpose.) 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be focused on academics or careers, anyone who knows me knows that I would never say that those things are unimportant, but this year especially, my senior year, I've learned that it is easy to put our priorities in the wrong order.  Years from now it is unlikely that I will remember how to solve the integral of an exponential function, yet I know that I will remember the people in my life right now.  Before senior year I often put academics ahead of anything else in my life, but now I see that there are some things that can come before, or at least equivalent to, them.  There is one thing that must come before them.  God.  In all things God must be the first priority in my life. With God first, everything else will fall into place, as He'll guide me towards the proper path.

So I suppose the first lesson that I learned was about my relationship with God, and the second was about following and serving Him, neither of which is much different from the other.

Above all remember this - "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

Senioritis: A Shorter List

They say "senioritis" is a bad thing.  You get into college, and you stop trying.  You get lazy.  But I think that they're wrong.  Don't get me wrong, the traditional definition of senioritis is something to avoid, but that doesn't mean that senioritis that doesn't affect your school work is awful.

Since getting into college (Grove City College class of 2018, wooho!) I have not felt the need to slack in my schoolwork.  Since starting senior year, however, I have found that I no longer feel the need to live up to the standards of everyone around me.  I don't need to be actively involved in six different friend groups to be happy.  In fact, all that does is burn me out.  So why was I doing it until this year?

That answer is simple: because, up until this year, I was holding myself to the standards of my friends, my parents, myself, and God.  This year, I've been trying to narrow that list down to being only God.  I want my standards for myself to reflect God's, so that's an easy one to attempt to check off.  I may not have realized it until this year, but my parents' standards for me have reflected God's all along, so that one is even easier to check off.  

Ah, but then there are my friends.  I spend approximately thirty five hours a week in school with these people and then however more time after school and on the weekends, how am I supposed to just ignore them?  But, there, my friends, is the problem.  I'm not supposed to ignore them.  I'm just not supposed to be focusing on who they want me to be.  And this year has shown me the importance of that.  How many of these "friends" will I actually be in regular contact with after a month or two of our freshmen year in college?  Five, six, maybe?  So if I'm only going to remain friends with five or six of these people, why have I been struggling so hard to live up to the standards of so many more?  So there I can cross off most of the people from the friends part of my list.

"What about those five or six, though, Abby?" you ask.  Ah, well here is the best part.  Those five or six people don't have standards for me beyond the most basic of God's standards.  They just want me to be, well, me.

So now my list of standard setters is down to just one.  God.  And man, do I wish I had figured this all out a while ago, because it is just so calming to know that they only standards and judgements that matter now are God's, and His standards will only lead me down a path that I want to follow, that will not leave me weary. 

So call it some form of senioritis, if you may, but it is far from laziness and a feeling of being done.  It comes from a realization that God is the only true judge, that there is no use in exhausting myself to live up to the rest of the world's standards.  Isaiah 40:31 says "But those who hope in The Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Narrowing my list of people who set standards for me to God and only God is not lazy, it does not lighten the workload, but it gives the strength needed to do everything that God wishes me to do and strive to live up to each of the standards that He sets.

Who Do You See?

Well, it's late. And a school night. However, God seems to have His own schedule for when He communicates with us, and nearly eleven o'clock on a Thursday night seems to be the time He wanted to use with me. 

Just a half an hour ago or so, I was hit with a huge wave of feelings of inferiority, of worthlessness. I was beginning to feel like I was losing my intelligence, something that I have used to define me for so long. After many tears and texts to friends, I finally got into bed. Before I went to sleep, though, I felt this need to pray, so I did. I felt that I could hear God talking to me, and the conversation went something like this:

Me: God, I'm just not anything anymore. I'm really just not special.

God: That's not true. I think you are. I love you.

Me: But why?

God: Because I created you.

Me: Yeah, but what does that have to do with me?

God: Nothing. That's kind of the point.

Me: Huh?

God: When people look at you, they shouldn't see you. They should see me, and my love.

Me: Wow. That makes a lot of sense.

It was with this conversation with God that I realized that maybe I need to rethink my defining characteristics. The number one thing that I should want people to see when they look at me is how much God loves us, so I shouldn't care about the other things nearly as much. Seeing as it's so late, and that this just happened, I have very little commentary on this conversation right now, but perhaps God will have something to add about this topic at a later date. Until then, goodnight, and sleep well, everybody!

I Love You More

My senior year in high school will be starting in just a few days, and it seems like all of a sudden, there is very little in life, other than trying to plan for college and summer reading. 

The pre-college process is stressful.  I am currently looking at a short list of colleges, all of which are Christian colleges, and there are so many different details and options that have to be weighed when trying to choose the one that I want to go to.  Of course, if you know me, or if you are familiar with this blog, you'll see that I have a constant desire to know the future, to have life planned.  I have this deep urge to be able to plan everything in my life, and right now, not knowing where I'll be living or going to school in a year is quite daunting.  I haven't even visited all of the schools that I'm considering yet, but already I feel like I should have a college picked out. 

I'm so worried that I'll make the wrong choice.  What if my favorite school ends up being the most expensive?  What if I can't tell which school God wants me to be at?  Even worse, what if it really doesn't matter to God which school I go to, so long as I'm still following Him?  And how am I supposed to find extra time to pray about this process with school starting in just a few days, with my most challenging schedule yet?

And then, once I've figured out where I'll go to college, how do I figure out what I'm going to do there?  How am I going to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life?  What if I do what I love, but then I can't get a job?  What if I do what will lead to a lucrative career, but end up hating it?  How do I make all of these decisions before I'm even a legal adult?

On Wednesday, after I had just gotten home from a college visit, and feeling the pressure to know where I'll be in a year, I turned on the radio in the car, and this song came on.  There was an initial peace that fell over me when the song began, and the first verse said "I am with you wherever, and where you go is where I am."  The chorus was another part that really spoke to me.  "I love you more than the sun, and the stars that I taught how to shine, you are mine, and you shine for me too, I love you.  Yesterday, and today, and tomorrow I'll say it again, and again, I love you more."  It was like God telling me to calm down.  If He can set the stars and the sun to shine each day and night, He will surely guide me through this process.  He will guide me to the right decision, whether or not it matters to Him exactly which college I'm learning to use the gifts that He gave me to use in order to shine for Him.  He will also guide me towards finding what exactly it is that He wants me to shine with.  He loves me no matter what, and I am His.