Watching the Footprints

A friend and I were talking earlier tonight about tough times that each of us has been through in our lives. We didn't leave it at that, though, because that's not where the story ended. We each made it through everything thrown in our path, eventually, and we've each become better because of the trials.

Last year on Youth Sunday at Church I shared my story of what I refer to as "hell year", a shorter version of the story can be found in my post from April first, 2011 titled "Perfection". God brought me through everything, even when I spent hours screaming at Him, for what, I do not know. I fell apart last year, and it is only now that I look back on it in it's entirety, brokenness, healing, and all, that I realize how amazing God's grace is.

At the time, I thought it would never end. I thought that I would be stuck in that rut forever, but look at me now, I've made it through! Often times I hear the quote "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it" and though it's easy to believe in times of inner peace, it can appear questionable during times of turmoil. Perspective can be hard to gain. Now, if you know me, you probably know that I'm usually rather optimistic, often times irritatingly so, but there have still been times when all I wanted to do was throw my hands in the air and give up. Heck, there have been times when I actually have thrown my hands in the air and given up.

But that doesn't mean that God did. He was always right beside me, He still is always right there, even when I don't see it. And now, with around a years worth of hindsight I can see exactly where God was last year. I can see where He was working to get into my thick head, where I fought against Him, and where I gave in to Him. I can see that the single pair of footsteps in the sand belong not to me, but to God.

A Tribute to My Girls

My friends and I are at the age when we are going to Sweet 16 parties practically every weekend, and tonight I was at one of those parties.

Going from middle school to high school was, well, difficult, to say the least. It still is tough at times, mostly because of how much I hate change (I'm working on it, I promise). It seems like everything is entirely different. Classes, people, scheduling, weekends, homework, friends, everything. But tonight I felt a little bit of the past at the party with us.


We sat around and talked, we danced, we sang, we laughed at each other, we laughed at ourselves, and we laughed at things that weren't even remotely funny. We had a genuinely good time. And it was in these moments, dancing as though nobody was watching, laughing so obnoxiously loud but not caring, that I realized how much these girls and I have been through together.

I've been together with some of these girls since elementary school, and some since middle school, and together we made it through all of the trials that came with our different phases. It was with these girls that I played tag on the playground at recess in elementary school, these girls who I studied and laughed with in middle school. We would find each other crying in the bathrooms at school, and immediately know what was wrong, we would comfort one another. We stayed up into all hours of the night giggling over magazines and boys, playing truth or dare, eating whatever we wanted at sleep overs.

We taught each other how to do cart wheels in the sixth grade when we decided that we were going to try out to be cheerleaders, we walked for hours together at Relay for Life all three years of middle school, we laughed until our stomachs hurt at lunch. We passed notes during boring classes, and we (accidentally) threw an open water bottle across the room in eighth grade Social Studies (maybe that's why the teacher didn't like me, heh heh), we were brutally honest with each other, and we cheered when casts finally came off.

We claimed "countries" when friends started to fight (I've been Switzerland since fifth grade. Switzerland is mine ;).), we went through phases when we listened to one song on repeat for months, we made countless "movies" in each others houses, each with countless costumes and plot lines.

Now, don't get me wrong, we've had our share of arguments, but we've always made it through them together. We've been furious with people that we haven't even met for hurting our friend, and we've seen each other's personalities change and develop, and we've learned to love each other for who we are at any given moment, not who we've been or who we'll become.

Together, we're cooky and crazy, we're loud and obnoxious. We're ready for anything, because when elementary and middle school brought us together, we were brought together for good. So, thank you to My Girls for being one of the few constants in an ever changing life <3

Fiftieth Post: Two Posts Too Early

When I started this blog way back when in May of 2009 I had no idea what it would become. It started as a "Read it and Weep" type of diary that I had given up on after maybe three or four entries. Then, over a year later in November of 2010, I deleted those initial posts and began a Gratitude Journal, figuring that that's what this blog would be. Now it's a web page that God is using to use me in this world. It feels kind of crazy.

This was the kind of post that I hoped to write as my fiftieth post, not my forty eighth, but I think that it's time for me to write it now. God has used this simple blog to change my life. Sounds crazy, doesn't it?

Since I began blogging I've grown so much closer to God, and I've learned so much about Him. He taught me to always have my eyes, ears, and of course my heart, open to what He wants me to hear and to share. God has taught me that He can use me to reach other people, even in simple ways. Can you believe that Abby's Abstracts has had 1,998 page views since creation? I can't.

Every post was a lesson that God sent to me, and a lesson that I may not have learned if I didn't process it while writing a post. And you know what? God has blessed me with each of you who read this blog, because it's very likely that if nobody ever read what I wrote, I wouldn't bother writing it after a while, and I would have missed out on all of the lessons that God had in store. So thank you, and thank God!

Our Amazing God: Time Goes On

Last year, right around this time, a lot of craziness started in my life, and it's difficult for me to believe that that was a whole year ago now, while at the time, I didn't think that it would ever end. Today I looked out of the window and saw a tree beginning to change colors in my back yard, full of bright reds and oranges and yellows, and was transported back to last year.

I had my computer staying on the dining room table during this era in my life, and I would do my homework, and work on National Novel Writing Month outlines and whatnot each afternoon in this room with this big window facing this big beautiful colored tree. I watched as it went up in flames in the oranges and reds of Fall, then as the leaves fell one by one to the ground, Winter approaching slowly. Then, as if to prove that there was still life under those mounds of snow, I watched this tree slowly bud into small flowers that quickly turned to healthy green leaves, the image of the reds and oranges from Fall stuck in my head for all of these months. Throughout all of the junk in my life during this time, it was the image of that tree that was running through my head constantly, and now I see why.

The tree began to change colors again just a day or so ago, and I am beginning to see the bright colors of Autumn once again, and I can not believe all that has happened in these twelve months. I think this is God's way of showing me that it was truly Him who got me through those trials, even when I thought I was alone, He never left me. Now I look at myself, and I'm a different person because of it, and a much better trust in God. If only I had stopped pushing against our Creator in my time of trouble, and trusted that time would move on and that He would bring me through it, I would have had a much happier year. Every Autumn when this tree begins to change, I will watch it, and take a few moments to praise our wonderful God.

I wasn't stuck in that time of troubles, and neither are you. I know it's difficult to look past the here and now when you're in those moments, believe me, I know, but God has your back in everything. Remember, time moves on, and with time, God brings healing. Let the fiery trees that will soon be surrounding us remind you that God's love for us burns brightly and fiercely, and that He will never let us go.

Stress Fractures

So I'm reading one of the things that one of my friends wrote on facebook. There was a question "Have you ever had your heart broken?" her answer was "cracked, but not broken" and that made me think a lot. How many of us are walking around with cracks in our hearts?

We haven't been completely broken, we haven't been kicked and left behind in the dirt, but we've been hurt. A friend has turned out to be someone we didn't know, a short-term relationship has ended, the truth of a lie surfaces, life moves on, right? Of course it does. But that doesn't mean that we're okay.

I find that a lot of times, it's even more difficult to get over small aches like that. Things that hurt, but that don't completely cause an earthquake in your life, because we don't take the time that we need to heal. We aren't focused on it for a very long time, so months, or even years, later it resurfaces, and we realize that it is still causing us pain. This little, minor detail in our lives can bring us to our knees, weeping, so long afterwards. Okay, so maybe I'm being a little dramatic, even a lot dramatic, but you get my point.

Perhaps you are like me, when something bad happens, something that hurts just enough to affect your life, but not enough to bring you to a stand still, you start working on auto-pilot, speed up, and don't stop for long enough to reflect and heal. Or maybe you are walking around in this life full of small little aches and pains from small bad experiences, added together making you feel miserable. Maybe you are totally different. But no matter what, you haven't taken the time to make yourself feel better.

When these pains resurface months later, we try to push it away again, convincing ourselves that we should have been over this long ago, that we can't possibly still be being affected by it now. But guess what, if you've never dealt with a certain experience, it's not leaving your side until you have, and it's only going to grow into a bigger pain.

These little experiences are like getting a stress fracture in your foot from running too much. If you take the time to allow it to heal, you'll be back up and running in no time at all. But if you don't stop to let your body heal itself, and you keep running, that stress fracture is going to get bigger and bigger, and soon enough it's going to be a full blown broken bone. Your foot is going to hurt a lot more than with just a small stress fracture, and it's going to take a much longer time to heal. Plus, there's no ignoring it this time.

So I have two pieces of advice for you, and for myself. The first one is to those of us who have been bottling our pains up for too long, and now we must deal with a lot more hurt than we thought. Always remember Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit". Give your troubles to God. He loves you, and He wants to always be there for you. And guess what. It is okay to hurt, even after all of this time. There isn't a time limit to brokenheartedness or crushed spirits. So let it all go, and give it all to God.

And the second advice is to those of us who are in the middle of a little ache right now. Deal with it now. Ask God to help you heal right now, don't hold it all in for months and months, only for it to resurface even worse. Even if it doesn't necessarily seem major, God doesn't care. Like I said in my earlier post, He loves you, and He wants to always be there for you. A crisis is a crisis if it's a crisis to you. Don't feel like what you're going through is too small to hurt over. Hurt and heal now, before it gets even worse.

Everyone who is walking around with a cracked heart, take the time to let it heal and let God help you. Don't let your heart break into a million pieces before you turn to God.

Dancing in the Rain

The school year is coming to a close. Actually, at this point, it is at a close. With only one and a half days to go, I am left remembering the three glorious years that I've had at my middle school. Some of the memories that I have are happy, some are not so happy. Nevertheless, I love each and every one of them.

I've come into contact with so many new people in these past three years, and I've learned at least a little something from each one. It's difficult to believe that I'm going to be saying goodbye to so many of my peers, and all of the teachers and staff that make this school such an amazing place to be.

As I look about my bedroom, my computer, my cell phone, everywhere, I am finding reminders of everything I've gone through. Each of the laughs come rushing back to the forefront of my mind, each of the tears seem to be pointless. It's kind of crazy to think about how something that affected me so badly as I went through it, is so utterly unimportant now. I really can only see the smiles and laughs that I've exchanged, even when I try to remember the sorrows and tears.

I guess that one thing that middle school has taught me, is to never take anything for granted. Obviously I still do sometimes, but I'm a work in progress, aren't we all? And I'm not only talking about material objects, but I'm talking about the experiences that we've had. Good things, as well as bad things, don't last forever, nothing does, and we need to learn it, live it, and love it before it ends.

That quote, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain" is so true. Keeping our heads up, despite a torrential down pour that we may be in, is what we all need to learn how to do. Smiling, even though it seems like even nature can't help but to cry. Yes, dancing in the rain is what we all need to do.

I wish that I had realized that sooner. I wish it would be easier to live out, because even though I've realized it, I don't know what the chances are that I will always be able to stay optimistic. I think back to the times in the past three years that I thought I was going through absolute hell, and I can hardly even remember those times now, because they each led to something amazing. They each led to the rainbow. I wish that I had seen how trivial most of my problems were before I wasted so much time.

So now, even though the ending of this school year is bittersweet, the ending and the beginning, I don't have any regrets. Not a single one. Don't sit inside and mope as the rain pounds on the windows, get up, get out, and dance.

More to Us

I can't undo the things that led us to this place

But I know there's something more to us than our mistakes

How difficult is it for everyone to look past mistakes? To look beyond imperfections? To ignore faults? It's seemingly impossible. Trying to find the good, and overlooking the bad, is probably one of the most difficult things that we'll try to accomplish in our lifetimes. I know that it's one of my worst struggles.

I have a tricky time trying to realize that it isn't our mistakes that define us, regardless of who I'm thinking about, myself or others. I tend to be extremely tough on myself, and I don't always see that I mean more than how I've messed up. Because I am so tough on myself, I can also be somewhat tough on other people as well, though maybe not quite as bad. There are times when I know that I've had enough, but there other times when I've just been putting ridiculous expectations on people, events, occurances, everything.

Somehow our mistakes, and our accomplishments, have led us to where we are right now, this very moment. We've lived and we've learned. There is no going back. No undoing things that have already been done. No way to change what's already happened. None at all. No re-do's or do-overs allowed.

So sometimes, we're left pondering how we've gotten ourselves into such a big mess. How did we get here? Where did I go wrong? Or maybe you know exactly what happened. Maybe you know exactly where the turning point was, where your mistake, or mistakes, were made. Either way, it isn't fun knowing that you've messed up, and often times, we dwell on what we've done to the point of exhaustion. We let our anger at ourselves, or at others, eat away at us. It does no good.

There is so much more to us than the mistakes that we've made. We each have so much to offer the world, so much that makes us special and unique. Hidden talents, unveiled hobbies, different interests. Not one of us is the same, and we are in this world for a reason. We cannot spend our whole lives regretting, we'll miss out on so much, and the world needs us.

You think your mistakes are too big? That there's no way to get past them? That they are trapping you? Please, please think again. You are worth so much more than that miniscule mistake, no matter how big it seems to you. Acts 13:38 says “Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you." God loves you, and He has already forgiven you. Don't close yourself into a box, but go out into the world, and be your precious self.

Now I'm in our secret place

Alone in your embrace

Where all my wrongs have been erased

You have forgiven

The quote at the beginning of this post is from the Skillet song "Believe" and the quote at the end of this post is from the Skillet song "Forgiven".

April Reflections and True Happiness

For English class we have to write a journal entry at the end of each month. The only guidelines are that these entries have to be at least a page long, grammatically correct, and have evidence of reflection. As I wrote mine for the month of April, I realized that the beginning of it, at least, sounded a lot like my blog posts usually do, and I figured I'd write something of the sort for Abby's Abstracts.

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It’s funny how as at the end of each month I look back at what has happened, and I’m completely shocked. You’d think that by now I’d be totally used to the unexpected happening, and expect it to happen. Apparently that’s not quite how it works. I wouldn’t say that the month of April has been a bad month, though. Yeah, it’s most definitely been shocking, but not bad, which shocks me in and of itself.

The truth that I've found this month is that true happiness does not come from looking at what we've done and who we've been, true happiness comes from looking forward to our big, bright futures. The past is the past, and whether it's good or bad, we aren't going to be able to change it or relive it. Our memories can make us smile now and then, but dwelling too much on them is only going to cause each of us strife. I've spent the majority of April planning the Summertime fun that I know I'm going to have, and making decisions to be happy, no matter what. No matter how it seems at certain points in time, it's true that we all do have BIG bright futures!

And who knew, all it took was the quickly approaching summer for me to figure that out? This summer I'm going to have an adventure of self-discovery. I'm going to find who I am, and I'm going to be a teenager. I refuse to be punctual and responsible and the as-close-to-perfect-as-possible person I always have tried so hard to be. I'm still going to be me though, and I know my limits. I'm not going to go crazy or anything, so no worries, but my goal is to find who I truly am, and to focus on the good in life. It's going to be a great summer, I can feel it throughout my whole being.

Alright, so I guess this isn't a reflection on April, but it is a reflection. And it at least starts with talking about April. Oh well, hope y'all enjoy!

Change

History starts now. Life starts now. Forget everything else. Forget the mistakes, the problems, the tears, the cries. Forget it all. Take life one step at a time, you're only going to trip if you look too far back or too far forward. Let today be the first day of the rest of your life, and don't let anything hold you back from your biggest dreams, because with a little bit of craziness, a ton of determination, and a whole lot of faith in God, you can achieve anything.

We can be anybody who we want to be. Don't get caught up in the mistakes that you've made in the past, because those mistakes are not what define who you are. Yeah, there are going to be effects of those mistakes that you will inevitably deal with, but those are only a minor setback. Make a choice to be somebody better, today. Make a decision to make time for the people who need you. Choose to put another couple of dollars in the offering plate at Church. Talk to that girl who nobody likes. Be the type of person who you want to know. Don't watch the world change, be the change.

This is me forgiving myself. This is me accepting what has happened. This is me making a change.

You can too.