What I Know Now

I don't really know what to say about this song, except that it really spoke to me. The part that sticks out to me is the first part, to the "little girl, fourteen."  It describes a very common situation, and provides a lot of truth. 

I've spent a lot of my time this past year with a lot of amazing middle-schoolers.  I'm only a few years beyond middle school, but already I'm having moments of "if I only knew then what I know now."

I wish I could tell my middle school self to "put those magazines and makeup tutorials away, you aren't going to care very much about makeup in just a few years, anyway.  Go read or write.  You'll be wishing you had more time to do those things later on."

I wish I could tell that fourteen year old Abby to "stick with the friends who care, not the ones who constantly make you fight to keep them.  It's the ones who are comforting you on the sidelines who will be with you once you get into middle school."

I wish I could show that girl what studying looks like.  "You'll need those skills pretty soon."

I wish I could tell her "don't take the happy times for granted.  They aren't always going to be that way."

But then I wish I could remind her "the bad times aren't going to last forever.  Trust that God will bring you through whatever He brings you to."

I wish that I could tell her to "stop saying that you don't care what other people think, and work on actually believing it.  You can say that the grass isn't green as many times as you want, but that isn't going to change the truth."

Mostly, though, I wish I could tell her to "pay more attention to the adults around you.  They've been through it all before, they know what they're talking about.  Take it to heart."

Well, this isn't what I thought it would be at first.  I thought the song would have more to do with this post, but I guess it was just inspiration.  Maybe I'll talk about it again, later.  But I feel like I've said what I needed to say, anyway.

Our Amazing God: Time Goes On

Last year, right around this time, a lot of craziness started in my life, and it's difficult for me to believe that that was a whole year ago now, while at the time, I didn't think that it would ever end. Today I looked out of the window and saw a tree beginning to change colors in my back yard, full of bright reds and oranges and yellows, and was transported back to last year.

I had my computer staying on the dining room table during this era in my life, and I would do my homework, and work on National Novel Writing Month outlines and whatnot each afternoon in this room with this big window facing this big beautiful colored tree. I watched as it went up in flames in the oranges and reds of Fall, then as the leaves fell one by one to the ground, Winter approaching slowly. Then, as if to prove that there was still life under those mounds of snow, I watched this tree slowly bud into small flowers that quickly turned to healthy green leaves, the image of the reds and oranges from Fall stuck in my head for all of these months. Throughout all of the junk in my life during this time, it was the image of that tree that was running through my head constantly, and now I see why.

The tree began to change colors again just a day or so ago, and I am beginning to see the bright colors of Autumn once again, and I can not believe all that has happened in these twelve months. I think this is God's way of showing me that it was truly Him who got me through those trials, even when I thought I was alone, He never left me. Now I look at myself, and I'm a different person because of it, and a much better trust in God. If only I had stopped pushing against our Creator in my time of trouble, and trusted that time would move on and that He would bring me through it, I would have had a much happier year. Every Autumn when this tree begins to change, I will watch it, and take a few moments to praise our wonderful God.

I wasn't stuck in that time of troubles, and neither are you. I know it's difficult to look past the here and now when you're in those moments, believe me, I know, but God has your back in everything. Remember, time moves on, and with time, God brings healing. Let the fiery trees that will soon be surrounding us remind you that God's love for us burns brightly and fiercely, and that He will never let us go.

Changing the Secrets

There's a website. Six Billion Secrets. sixbillionsecrets.com. And so many people who have written on that site are so alone.

It absolutely breaks my heart that so many people don't have someone to talk to, someone who can help them, who will be there for them. And a lot of people reading this blog post, or many of the secrets posted on that website will say that it's all melodrama. But I don't believe that. Yeah, maybe some of it is, but if that was your best friend, or son, or daughter, or sister, or brother, writing on that website, feeling those feelings, you'd want to help them, wouldn't you?

How have we let so many people feel so lost, so sad and upset? Maybe you are one of those people, asking yourself the same question. Or maybe you're like me, wondering how you, with a wonderful life, have overlooked all of that pain and sorrow in the people around you. Or maybe you fit into a completely different category. I just don't know where the happiness has gone. I'm not blaming anyone, because believe me, I know that it's not a choice you make to be unhappy.

So my challenge to you today is to go out and be that person that someone needs. Be the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear, the care that people are so desperately looking for. Do a few random acts of kindness. You may not be able to change the entire world, but each one of us has the capability to change at least one person's world. I'm going to try to think before I say, and try to always help people, because I might never know what else is going on in their life. Together, we can make happier secrets.

Dancing in the Rain

The school year is coming to a close. Actually, at this point, it is at a close. With only one and a half days to go, I am left remembering the three glorious years that I've had at my middle school. Some of the memories that I have are happy, some are not so happy. Nevertheless, I love each and every one of them.

I've come into contact with so many new people in these past three years, and I've learned at least a little something from each one. It's difficult to believe that I'm going to be saying goodbye to so many of my peers, and all of the teachers and staff that make this school such an amazing place to be.

As I look about my bedroom, my computer, my cell phone, everywhere, I am finding reminders of everything I've gone through. Each of the laughs come rushing back to the forefront of my mind, each of the tears seem to be pointless. It's kind of crazy to think about how something that affected me so badly as I went through it, is so utterly unimportant now. I really can only see the smiles and laughs that I've exchanged, even when I try to remember the sorrows and tears.

I guess that one thing that middle school has taught me, is to never take anything for granted. Obviously I still do sometimes, but I'm a work in progress, aren't we all? And I'm not only talking about material objects, but I'm talking about the experiences that we've had. Good things, as well as bad things, don't last forever, nothing does, and we need to learn it, live it, and love it before it ends.

That quote, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain" is so true. Keeping our heads up, despite a torrential down pour that we may be in, is what we all need to learn how to do. Smiling, even though it seems like even nature can't help but to cry. Yes, dancing in the rain is what we all need to do.

I wish that I had realized that sooner. I wish it would be easier to live out, because even though I've realized it, I don't know what the chances are that I will always be able to stay optimistic. I think back to the times in the past three years that I thought I was going through absolute hell, and I can hardly even remember those times now, because they each led to something amazing. They each led to the rainbow. I wish that I had seen how trivial most of my problems were before I wasted so much time.

So now, even though the ending of this school year is bittersweet, the ending and the beginning, I don't have any regrets. Not a single one. Don't sit inside and mope as the rain pounds on the windows, get up, get out, and dance.

Today, I am Alive

There have been whispers of Judgement Day coming this Saturday, and as I walked up from the bus stop today with my brother and another boy who might as well be my brother too we were kind of joking about it. Out of the three of us, none of us doubt that we'll wake up on Sunday morning, none of us doubt that our families will wake up, and none of us doubt that our friends will wake up. For a moment I had a flash of what it would be like if Saturday really is it. Don't you think we'd all be living our lives a little bit differently?

I know that I take my life for granted. To me, there are no questions about it, I will wake up safe, taken care of, and relatively happy tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and days and days, and years and years to come. But tomorrow could be it. Tomorrow could be the last page of my story. The last page of my story could be in just one second for all I know. Yet I take my life for granted.

So with these thoughts passing through my mind, my walk up from the bus stop took on a whole new meaning to me. That could have been the last time I ever walk up that hill, the last time I ever kick the wet leaves from the road. I set my mind differently, and I smiled with each step that I took, grinned as I took the mail out of the mailbox, and added an extra bounce in my step.

There's so much that I would do if I knew that tomorrow would be my last day. So many words I would say, so many people I would want to be with, and so many smiles I would give. I wouldn't want to leave this world without leaving my mark, and there are times when I know that I most definitely haven't done that yet. God gave me this life on earth to do something specific, to do His work, to live for Him, before the glorious eternal life I will have in Heaven. There is nothing that we can take for granted, because God had the power to give everything we have to us, and He has the power to take it all away.

So I'm going to start thinking before speaking, smiling before thinking, and listening before saying. I'm not going to regret, and I'm not going to watch life fly by without living it. If we all live like this, we'd all be so much happier, not to mention the wonders of the world that we'd all be living in. So join me in living each day as though it was our last!

Proud to be Imperfect

Okay, so I know that I'm about to write a major contradiction to one of my earlier posts, but just stick with me, and you'll understand what I mean.

I'm proud to be imperfect. I know that earlier I said that we are all perfect, and we are, in God's eyes. That doesn't necessarily mean that all other human beings see us as perfect, but honestly, I'm proud of my imperfections. I'm happy that I make mistakes.

For so long I did everything in my power, and then some, to try and be perfect. I was always responsible, always on time, always doing my best not to make mistakes. I never took risks, I was always staying within my comfort zone. But that weighs a person down. The constant making sure that I've done everything right, the constant self-scrutiny, the constant pressure to be perfect. Making sure not to hurt anyone's feelings, making sure that I keep myself protected from anyone who could hurt me. And I don't mean physically hurt me, because that is a GOOD thing to do. I'm talking about mentally or emotionally. I hid from everything, but not anymore.

We're teenagers. We are supposed to make mistakes. This is the time to be reckless and carefree, and do something crazy now and then. Trying to be perfect is too tiring, and no fun at all. It isn't a way to live, because it isn't really living at all. There is no possible way to learn all of life's lessons without making mistakes, there is just no way. We've got to be comfortable enough in our own skin to be able to pick ourselves back up after making a mistake, and saying, alright, it didn't work out right that time, so let's try this a little bit differently. So smile a little bit wider, laugh a little bit louder, flirt a little bit more, sing a little bit off key, and dance a little bit crazier.

Perfection

Constantly, I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. I need to have perfect grades, perfect organization, I can't have fights with my friends, I need to be a good friend to every one of my friends equally. And when I mess up it drives me insane. It's extremely difficult for me take a step back and take a deep breath most of the time, but it's something that really needs to be done.
For a while, I thought that I had everything under control, all of my ducks in a row, but then a lot changed. Suddenly I couldn't stop the wall of perfection that I had built around myself from crashing down, and it was terrible. I used to be the person who when hanging out in a large group of friends and something went wrong, everyone instantly put me in charge, trusting that I knew what to do.
Then, I felt as though everyone was walking on eggshells around me, carefully watching what they said, being cautious so not as to crack the calm facade that we all knew I wore. It was only in the past month or two that I began to fix things. Not necessarily gain the "perfection" that I thought I used to have, but pick up the pieces and start to put them back together. One night, I prayed the same prayer to God that I had been praying for so many weeks, maybe even months.

Why can't I be "That Girl" again? "That Girl" who always had everything together, who was always happy, who could always handle any crisis carefully? Lord, what happened to me? That's the person who you created. Not this.

It was as I sat on my bed that night, that God spoke to me again. He gave an exasperated sigh, and finally the message that He had been sending me throughout my difficulties (as well as my happiness, but it wasn't until life became difficult that I stopped hearing the message) came through loud and clear. It was as if God was saying, "Don't you see, Abby? I love you. There isn't anything that can be done to change that. I love you. I love you just the way you are. Why can't you see yourself clearly?"
And then I did. God opened my eyes up to the girl He sees when He looks at me. God doesn't see that breakout, God doesn't see that my hair isn't sitting exactly right. God doesn't see that mean thought I had anymore, God doesn't see the mistakes that I've made any longer. What God does see, is Perfection.
True Perfection, is not the perfect grades, great friendships, and the ability to know what to do in tough situations that I was striving for. True Perfection is trusting in God, and living for Him. True Perfection cannot be achieved in any other way than through God. God loves us so, so much, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life" John 3:16. You are loved. I am loved. We are loved.
God made each and everyone of us special, just the way He wants us. We need to remember that God does not make junk. During those times when we no longer believe in ourselves, when we no longer love who we are, we must realize that there is absolutely nothing that can pull us away from God's love.
Absolutely nothing.

Running

She smiles softly to herself,
The wind, like fingers, softly caresses her hair.
There is nothing that she has to fear.
A gentle push away from the path,
Tells her to stray from conformity,
And forge her own way through the overbearing world.
The forest surrounds her,
In what seems to be her last chance,
To escape the place that she is lost in,
She begins to sprint,
Green and brown blurring in the sides of her vision.
She stops abruptly,
Everything starts to spin.
In and out, she breathes,
Looking at what surrounds her.
Staring, but not really seeing.
Take a step back,
And once again the world is in perspective.
She can see the path that was not meant for her,
And it is only feet away,
Though it seems as though she was running for hours.
That gentle touch, guides her in the right direction,
Once again.

Spring Fever

Yes, it is that time of year again. It's that time of year when we are on the cusp of Spring. We can smell the freshness of the air in thr morning, and we can feel the squishiness of the wet ground underneath our feet. In useless attempts at making Spring come faster, we wear our Spring time clothing just a *tad* too early. We start thinking about Spring cleaning, well, some people do, I'm usually more of a "push-it-off-as-long-as-possible" cleaner.
Spring is defintely in the air. We know it's coming, and we all have a slight case of Spring Fever. There's just something special about Spring. Something that brings a smile to my face. If you haven't already noticed, I'm a generally nostalgic person. I can get lost in my memories, I can relive the moments I want to, and sometimes even the ones I don't want to. This Spring is like happiness in a bottle for me. Last Spring was so amazing, there aren't even words to describe it. Friendships were blossoming alongside the flowers all over the place, and I couldn't seem to keep a smile from spreading over my face for very long.
A month or so ago I thought that this Spring would be inevitably different. There was no way that after everything that has happened this year Spring would be great. But now, now I think that maybe it can be just as great. Different, yes, but still filled with smiles and happiness.
My nostalgia sometimes makes me think that repitition is the only way to ever be happy. Remember the happy moments, and make them happen again. But that only leads me into sadness, because it's impossible to recreate moments that are special enough to engrave themselves in my memory forever. That's what makes them so special. No number of attempts and precautions and planning will ever make it possible to recreate memories, so why try? It only takes up time that should be spent making new memories, more cherished moments.
So, welcome, Spring 2011! It's time to make some more memories!

Change

History starts now. Life starts now. Forget everything else. Forget the mistakes, the problems, the tears, the cries. Forget it all. Take life one step at a time, you're only going to trip if you look too far back or too far forward. Let today be the first day of the rest of your life, and don't let anything hold you back from your biggest dreams, because with a little bit of craziness, a ton of determination, and a whole lot of faith in God, you can achieve anything.

We can be anybody who we want to be. Don't get caught up in the mistakes that you've made in the past, because those mistakes are not what define who you are. Yeah, there are going to be effects of those mistakes that you will inevitably deal with, but those are only a minor setback. Make a choice to be somebody better, today. Make a decision to make time for the people who need you. Choose to put another couple of dollars in the offering plate at Church. Talk to that girl who nobody likes. Be the type of person who you want to know. Don't watch the world change, be the change.

This is me forgiving myself. This is me accepting what has happened. This is me making a change.

You can too.

Almost Christmas!

So I haven't posted anything for a really long time, even though I meant to. Oh well, those first few posts really helped me put things into perspective. There's so much to be thankful for even when we don't think so. God throws a lot of unexpected things in our way, but He never gives us anything that we can't handle, and that is a lesson that I am still learning. I am still trying to truly trust that. Life isn't always easy, but I know that in the end it will all be worth it, when we are with God for eternity.
A lot of times I let my past haunt me, and that sounds like something really bad happened, but it didn't, quite the opposite really. I have such amazing memories, and oh too often I let my memories keep me hanging on too tightly to my past. We don't want to forget what has happened to us, but we don't want to let it keep us from living our lives now. Things are going to change, and we don't need to like it, but it needs to happen to allow time to go on. It might hurt at first, but once we realize that this is life now, we'll see how amazing it really is. How wonderful everything is, even what seems like the worst.
It's just over a week until Christmas, and I am happy to say that I feel as though I am really in the true spirit of Christmas this year. The Christmas season didn't come a moment too soon, and not a moment too late. It's been wonderful!