I started praying about peace in March, after taking a grueling midterm by which I felt trampled. I've gotten significantly better at not finding my identity in test scores and grades since the start of this blog in middle school, but I am not perfect. This class was a night class, meaning that we met only once a week on Monday evenings.
The Thursday after taking the midterm I was walking around the quad, killing some time between lunch and my biology lab, praying about this exam. I was so panicked, so frustrated, that this would be the black mark on my transcript, and I felt God asking me "So what? So what if you didn't do well?" and I felt this peace fall over me as I realized that the score I received on that midterm really did not matter. It did not matter in the sense that it does not define me or change me in God's eyes, and it did not matter in the sense that it would not impact my future unless it was part of God's plan. If God wants me to be somewhere in the future, a poor midterm grade will not stop Him from bringing me there.
From there on out I saw signs of God's sovereignty and felt His perfect peace countless times, and so when I began a short devotional study that encouraged its readers to choose one word to focus on for a year, God gave me the word "Peace". At first I thought this was great, I would no longer be filled with anxiety and stress on a regular basis, and I would find my rest in the Lord. Then I realized that when God wants to change you, it isn't that easy. It's easy to ask Him to take away worry and replace it with peace, but it isn't easy to find peace in conflict with those around me, or to have peaceful thoughts towards a driver who cuts me off.
I remember a Bible study, several years ago, in which one of the leaders told my peers and I that she had been praying for more patience. She shared that she expected God to give her greater patience, but instead God gave her a greater number of frustrating situations. At first she fell into the frustrations and continuously lost her patience, then she realized that God was giving her these situations to practice being calm and patient. Prayer and developing as a Christian is not a genie-in-a-bottle-your-wish-is-my-command relationship with God, it's one of continual development, guiding, molding, and shaping.
When I consciously began focusing on peace about a week and a half ago, I expected God to take away my stresses and show me how to find peace in Him, but He is showing me all kinds of ways to express peace, and bringing me into all kinds of situations in which I need to find peace. Asking God to grow me isn't an easy process, but I am sure that it is worth it. I had been focusing on Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus," but I needed to look to the verse before it, Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." God provides, but I must turn to Him and do my part as well.
Peace is not just a feeling, but a way of living, and God is teaching me that through hands-on experiences. I don't always succeed in these tests, in fact I hardly have thus far. I don't realize that He's trying to mold me until after the fact, but I will grow, and He will lead me. Is God calling you to grow in some area? Choosing a fruit of the spirit to focus on is a great way to start: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). It won't always be easy, but it will be worth it.
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